Storybook thoughts

It's almost too sappy to share, but blog I must, even occasionally on vacation. I'm at the beach. It's been gorgeous. Last night there was a full, bright orange moon. It was shimmering on the ocean. I thought of romance. A walk.

A great guy who likes sand between his toes ...

Way to his heart

I was going through some old issues of O magazine. I hate to part with them because I enjoy them so, but ultimately I enjoy organization in my home more.

So I came across a memorable piece written by a woman who prepared a special Bolognese Sauce when she wanted to show a man she really cared. Because it simmers for hours, it fills the house with a wonderful aroma yet still allows for getting yourself ready if it's a special evening. The recipe was part of the story, which I found completely endearing.

I specifically remember enjoying the article the first time around and shutting the magazine afterwards. It didn't occur to me to cut out the recipe because there wasn't a specific man I was trying to impress.

Now I have a whole different attitude. I cut out the recipe.

Just asking ...

So if indeed we manifest everything in our lives, why has the daily spam in my email folder quadrupled? And why do most of the emails pose sexual questions?

Universe?

Vision quest

Decided to create a vision board, a la The Secret. The idea is to make your goal more concrete and visual. So I grabbed some magazines last night, about 9:00, and started pulling images and crafting my man/relationship concept.

Ironically, it was right about then that sex in a very young package appeared on my doorstep. And I turned it away. Which, when told to my friend Mary, prompted this quip, "Sex on your doorstep? Sounds like the title of a novel."

Just hours before another young lovely on a skateboard had asked me to "hop on." Another clever name for a novel? The Universe is having a blast, yes?

Mary suggests that my "love light" is definitely on. Now I just need to use it to attract a whole, sweet man for a multi-dimensional relationship.

Seems that vision board needs to be very clear.

Male review

A review/update is in order as I continue my quest to manifest a wonderful man for a fabulous relationship and document it on this blog:

-- I didn't buy new sponges or make room in my sock drawer as described in my August 5 post titled, "Bringing in Ken." Nor did I make over my Barbie bathroom. However, as promised in my August 14 entry ("In the pink"), the pink tank top is a goner. In the garbage. Finito. Whew! And, as indicated on August 10 ("Picture it"), I did put a heart-shaped frame on my desk.

-- The 25-year-old mentioned in "The lust factor" on August 6 saw me coming out of my apartment building today as he was gliding by on a skateboard. Asked me if I wanted to hop on. How does a grown woman not laugh out loud at that? But he is trouble, a flashing red light, and so I let it lighten my step and headed to the gym.

-- I still want to dance and travel and talk deep into the night and, yes, other things with this pending man.

-- The online dating site isn't producing much in the way of dates, but has been extremely illuminating in the area of learning how to ask for what I really want.

-- Add to the list of things in my home that need a dose of testosterone -- my DVD player isn't working. For the complete rundown, see August 13 ("Help! I need somebody").

-- The poem called The Invitation continues to haunt and delight me in its profundity. See the August 8 entry titled "Essence" to read it.

-- Every day I ask The Universe to present the right circumstance for my bold move, as described in my August 16 post ("Fear not").

So there you have it. I end with my affirmation:

I am powerful, loving and harmonious and equipped to attract the ideal man for me, under grace in a perfect way.

Just say no

Another potential date on an online dating service. He seems nice, but immediately wants to skip over the preliminaries and sends his personal email address. I tell him I'd prefer to keep using the designated format and its secure email system. Next phase, he sends his personal email address again.

I hear a voice in my head. It is my friend Erin Weed saying, "You want to be wary of a guy who doesn't hear 'No.'"

He doesn't hear 'No.'

I close the match.

Tingly

" ... you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

-- Mr. Darcy to Elizabeth Bennet in Pride & Prejudice

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...

Beauty

I have been working so hard on my inner self that The Universe must have decided to bestow some fine gifts upon me, gifts that would be luxurious for my outer beauty.

A life coaching client gave me this nifty lip balm with healing qualities that is a treat at the end of a long day. A former client who I recently met for lunch happens to work for Bliss spa and she brought me a great tube of stuff called 'manicure's best friend.' It softens and heals your nails and cuticles. Another treat.

Then last week the same client who gave me the lip balm came to our session looking glow-y and she smelled great. Part of it was the natural glow of having met a great guy. But when I commented that I liked the fragrance, she reached her arm across the table and said, "Feel my arm." The skin was so soft.

Long story short, she directed me to a store called Good Kleen Fun and a product line called Kai. According to the salesgirl there, it's the hottest rage in L.A. There's a body lotion and a body glow product that's basically a dry oil spray. The combo is so fabulous and decadent feeling.

Let's just say I'm soft. In all the right ways.

Fear not

I am captivated by a particular man. I think he knows it. I think it's mutual.

Several times I have prayed for signs to guide me and each time I have received one. You see, I think I may have sabotaged it a while back.

I am close to doing something bold ...

Seeing

A friend and former client gave me the great gift of a book called The Way To Love, The Last Meditations of Anthony De Mello. De Mello was a Jesuit priest.

When I first read the book over a year ago, I read it through, in order. There are 31 meditations, all very wise and compelling. But now I pick it up and go to the table of contents and see what speaks to me. It's like a shot of spiritual adrenaline.

Here's a piece of what I read today. The meditation is called, "Be Awake":

... [T]he first act of love is to see this person or this object, this reality as it truly is. And this involves the enormous discipline of dropping your desires, your prejudices, your memories, your projections, your selective way of looking, a discipline so great that most people would rather plunge headlong into good actions and service than submit to the burning fire of this asceticism. When you set out to serve someone whom you have not taken the trouble to see, are you meeting that person's need or your own? So the first ingredient of love is to really see the other.

I am so immersed in this process right now. I loved reading this as part road map, part validation.

It is central to my journey.

In the pink

So there's this old shirt. I've had it since the 80s. Bought it at Seaside Heights. It's a big pink tank top with extra big armholes. I have worn it over a bathing suit, over bike shorts for a workout and, most recently, around my home when I want to be really cool and comfortable.

The thing is, even when it's clean it's kind of beyond grungy. Not in a million years would I ever let a man set eyes on it.

See where I'm going with this? Let it out, let him in.

I'm so reluctant to let it go, though, that I told the one person I knew would pull no punches -- my friend, Mary, whose specialty is simplifying people's lives. She was oh-so-subtle last night after we parted at my doorstep -- "Enjoy wearing that shirt for the last time."

Oh God. Accountability. What have I done?

Mary told me to make sure to replace it with something and suggested the Victoria's Secret "Pink" line. Hmmmmm. The tank top is pink. Pink for pink, at least in theory.

Sounds like a plan.

Help! I need somebody

Dare I go here? Yes, I am going to make some true confessions on the topic of traditional gender roles.

Yesterday I called a neighbor I don't know very well to climb a ladder to reach my 12-foot living room ceiling and put my smoke alarm out of its misery. Chirp, chirp, chirp and then a voice, "low battery." The first time I heard this was at 5 a.m. and it startled me because I thought someone was in my apartment.

Today the light bulb, the last functioning one, went out in my kitchen ceiling fixture. And, oh, I blew a fuse running my air conditioner (I did manage to fix this one).

Listen, I am as independent as they come, to a fault actually. (Just ask my dear old dad.) I really, really, really would love to be able to turn to my fabulous fella in times like these (not to mention bug issues, electronic equipment hook-ups, etc.). There was a time when I wouldn't admit it, but now?

Bring on the testosterone and all its perks. I'll be happy to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan in return.

Sharing the wealth

Since August 1 I have used this blog to track my steps and observations regarding manifesting a man for a wonderful relationship. What I really like about doing this is that it has made me meditative and mindful of love and its possibilties on a daily basis. It has also made me check my own behavioral patterns and examine what I might do to remain open to that possibility.

I think the bulk of 2007 has been transformative for me in this area. What I thought about letting a man into my life six months ago and how I feel about it now are very different. Intrusion then vs. readiness now. I feel like I'm ready to take it on, all of it. I think that's obvious in how I am wearing my heart on my sleeve in this public forum.

So often in our society people make snap judgments about us based on whether we're "attached." I used to bristle at this. Now I realize that it does say something about us. There are so many marriages out there that make me cringe, but the people in them often feel safe. They want others to feel safe, too.

I have been creating my own form of safe living and it has been mostly good. I live a rich life. But now there is something to be said for sharing the wealth. I needed the better part of this year to learn this, to admit it even.

There, I said it.

Refueling

Went to an upscale restaurant/bar with some friends tonight. We were all wiped out from a long day. We checked out the scene. Had some good food, good conversation. But then we suppressed yawns as the day caught up to us.

I will have to resume manifesting a man tomorrow ...

Picture it

Bought a sweet pewter frame for my desk today. Has a heart-shaped cutout where the photo goes.

Would normally walk right by those in the store. They're for people who have a romantic partner to put in there, I'd think.

But I'm manifesting a fabulous relationship with a wonderful man. So it's on my desk ... waiting.

Luminous!

A note from another dating prospect that I swear I didn't make up:

Hi Nancy!

I hope you enjoyed this beautiful summer day! It is a pleasure to meet you! I am a motivational speaker and I will be starting a book soon myself! Would you like to speak on the phone? It is so much better than typing back and forth.

Create a Luminous Day!

Now, I like the idea of a guy who makes his living motivating others. We have that in common. But truly, I got out of the public relations business when I was in my 20s because I'm not a big fan of the exclamation point.

Anyway, before I even had a chance to respond that I would like to talk on the phone, he closed the connection. Exclamation points AND no patience? OK, Universe, I read you.

Sometimes, though, it takes an outside observation for some illumination. Knowing that I absolutely believe it is within our power to create a luminous day, a friend remarked, "You're getting closer."

I'll take that.

Essence

My friend Erin sent this to me today and I love, love, love it. What a wonderful way to express what I believe and how I see life without getting out a laundry list of cliches and qualifications.

Without further ado:

The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon ...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Sweet signs

I have been manifesting things like crazy this week. I think it is a glaring sign that I'm in the Flow.

There is so much abundance showing itself in ways big and small and everywhere in between. Notebooks I wanted that somehow my mother anticipated and bought me. A book I had a sudden urge to read that appeared next to my desk at work and that I was able to borrow. A financial concern quelled by an unexpected check in my mailbox.

Honestly, can my sweet man be far behind?

My affirmation bears repeating:

I am powerful, loving and harmonious and equipped to attract the ideal man for me, under grace in a perfect way.

And so it is.

The lust factor

OK, it's time to talk about lust. Because in the last 24 hours, this is what I'm attracting.

Now, don't get me wrong. I want lust in my life. (Got that, Universe? I WANT lust in my life.) However, I want it in combination with the other stuff. (See August 1 post for a more specific list of 'other stuff.') So I think I must examine what it is I'm doing or what my vibe is saying that is drawing situations like these to me:

-- A man on the PATH train yesterday evening was sitting across from me and staring at me with such undisguised lust that it made me uneasy. I kept looking away, but his appreciative gaze was fixed on me. The best I could do was raise my eyebrow in acknowledgement. I was very uncomfortable. This is not a complaint, just honest feelings in the moment.

-- This morning as I walked out of my apartment building talking to my neighbor, an attractive man walked by us going in the opposite direction. He was clearly checking me out as well and after he walked by I turned my body completely around to look some more. He had turned also and caught me red-handed. We both kept walking, but it was a funny moment.

-- This afternoon, a guy 20 years younger than me who really likes to flirt was turning on the charm something fierce. I see him in my neighborhood regularly and he is always very assertive in his admiration. He's sweet, but certainly not a prospect for anything but a physical connection. (Note: I know this because one day I basically came right out and asked him what he wanted from me. That kind of forthrightness is one of the perks of being in your 40s.)

While all of this is flattering and fun and in some cases tempting, it was not what I had in mind when I decided to manifest a soulful and vibrant relationship with a man. I am choosing to see these things as signs that I'm continuing to give off positive energy, but that perhaps conversationally I need to open up a bit. Of course, ideally I will meet a nice guy, become friends and then it will organically deepen into a more intimate connection.

It seems an affirmation is in order:

I am powerful, loving and harmonious and equipped to attract the ideal man for me, under grace in a perfect way.

And so it is.

Bringing in Ken

One day a life coach friend and I were talking about things in our homes that might be "stopping" us from attracting a great man into our lives. By this we meant neglected areas or things we might find embarrassing to share with another. It's kind of like a Sex and the City episode where Miranda is petrified of inviting Steve to live with her because he'll find out her sponges smell.

Translation: It's not about the sponges.

Sometimes it's just plain hard to let someone that far in. So ... it's time for me to look around my place and see what needs addressing. In The Secret, a woman trying to manifest a man made room in her sock drawer and her garage, and she also started sleeping on one side of the bed to send The Universe the signal that she was ready to invite someone all the way in.

It's been suggested to me by several men over the years that the bathroom done up completely in a Barbie theme is a little unsettling for them. One friend said he felt like he was being "watched." I have since added a bit of Ken to the decor, but clearly it is Barbie's domain. Perhaps this needs assessing.

And, well, maybe I can move my socks over. And get some new sponges ...

Sharpening the focus

About 15 years ago when I worked at a newspaper, there were two photographers on staff who met there and eventually got married. One day I asked Mary how married life was treating her.

"It's like being alone, only better," she said.

This came back to me this week because this is precisely what I want to experience in a meaningful relationship. Only people who find joy in solitude can understand how perfect that statement is.

That said, I adore my solitude, but I find lately I don't need as much of it as I used to. I do, however, need a man who respects my independence and who "has a life" himself. Two whole entities make for a more meaningful merger, yes?

I believe I am forming a clear affirmation here.

Request line

Little did I know when I embarked on this venture to manifest a man (see August 1 post) that I'd be taking requests. My brother checked in with his:

While you're at it, could you manifest a guy with Giants' season tickets and reserve parking?

This made me laugh out loud. And I mean, out loud.

But it also got me thinking about those things I'd like in a mate, but don't necessarily require. Dancing, for one. The desire to explore cities all over this country and other parts of the world, for another.

There is something very liberating about being this vulnerable. Someone asked me, "Why now?" And I think the answer is, "I'm finally ready." I thought I was for a long time, but really it is only now that I feel whole and proud of what I have to offer another.

This exercise in manifestation made me feel more engaged with people I came in contact with today. I connected eye to eye. I felt my spirit lift when I saw a particularly special guy and felt like I naturally exuded positive energy.

I'm on the right track. I'm continuing to believe. And yes, I'm even taking requests.

'Man'-ifestation

Virgil said, "Fortune favors the bold." Well, color me bold. I've decided that I can keep writing about delightful things I've manifested in my life or I can walk my talk and bring my readers on a journey where I actually set out to manifest something specific.

Are you ready? OK, I'm taking the word a bit literally -- "man"-ifest. Yes, I am going to manifest a man. Or more specifically, a loving relationship with a wonderful man. I am single and ready for some meaningful companionship.

The first thing I must do is give The Universe specific instructions. I learned this the hard way because about five years ago one night I asked The Universe to send me a kind, smart, funny man to sit next to me on my couch and enjoy the great HBO Sunday lineup and I got exactly that. Nothing against that dear friend, but I had forgotten to ask The Universe for sex. Soooooooo ...

Qualities for my relationship man, in no special order:

-- smart
-- kind
-- witty
-- communicative
-- thoughtful about spirituality
-- ambitious
-- sexy and sexual
-- passionate about life
-- available

Hmmmm. Do I want to add 'urban' to the list? I really don't want to limit myself, but I also don't want a lawn. And then of course there's the issue of kids. I'm not interested in having them, but a guy who already has children would be cool.

I think I've covered the things that really matter to me. According to The Secret, the idea is to Ask, Believe, Receive. Today I am asking. The believing begins now and must be sustained through action and openness. I will hereby engage people more and not be shy about asking if they know any great available guys.

So there it is. I have taken the first step. I hope Virgil is right.