I am staring at this page and I know what I have to write. I just don't want to.
The situation with The Professor is lingering in my mind. It has taken me about 11 days to figure out what's at the heart of that. It is this: I put a man's feelings second to writing this blog. What the hell is that about? And why didn't it occur to me at the time?
This blog is supposed to be about manifesting things in my life. Sometimes specific things. Since August 1, I mostly gave it over to the manifestation of a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. I am proud of my commitment to it and to writing about it here. I think that's obvious.
However, when assessing my second date with The Professor, I first made the assumption he was on the same page about it. I then justified telling him my conclusion via email before pretty much duplicating those thoughts in this blog. I knew he had plans that night and I couldn't reach him by phone. All I kept thinking was, "I must update the blog. I must be honest. The blog, the blog, the blog ... " I didn't even take time to breathe. Or consider his feelings. Imagine being on the receiving end of that.
Funny, even when writing this post, I thought perhaps I should just be writing this to him instead of repeating the act in this forum. But that isn't fair either, is it? Why write the obituary publicly and then eat crow privately? I was inconsiderate. I would not want a man to treat me that way in that situation.
It is important to me to admit it. Not berate myself, but take responsibility for what I chose to do. To learn.
I learned. And I had to write about it.
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1 comment:
I can see where your uneasiness stems from.
Your dedication to tell your story VS the reality that sometimes you will write something that will not be seen as favorable to another person is getting to you.
In truth, you wrote what you felt, without mal intent. You did not insult him, you did not lie.
Most importantly, you were honest with yourself and ultimately with him. You did not sabotage a relationship. If it were meant to have transpired differently then it would have happened differently.
Be at peace. What's done is done. Forgive yourself.
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